Pat Pat

I have arrived in Washington, D.C. for Tiny Turkey Day! The traveling went rather well, except for one thing: I got the full pat-down at the airport in Albuquerque.
I guess there's a big controversy right now about the legitimacy of the full body scan. Apparently it's not helping TSA find any terrorists, and it is kind of a violation of privacy. TSA raved about it because they claimed that, by getting a full body scan instead of going through a metal detector, you are less likely to have an error in your scan and, therefore, less likely to have to go through the process of getting the full body pat down. However, a full body scan essentially goes straight through your clothes, so the people running that computer can see everything - EVERYTHING - about you.
I can't say that I've flown a lot, but I have flown several times. Today, after going through the full body scan for my first time ever, I also received a safety flag for the first time ever. They said that something showed up in the area of my pants. I was lead to a private room with two female TSA workers, one of whom carried all my belongings. They were both professional as they explained everything that they were going to do. The way I see it, I got a full body massage - it was just really fast and I had to stand the whole time. When I asked what was flagged, they told me that it was something to do with my pants. One of them suggested that it was probably my zipper and the fact that my jeans are a little on the thicker side. Once they decided I was not a terrorist, or a threat of any kind, they filled out the paperwork. Neither of them had a watch, so they asked me if I maybe had a cell phone so I could tell them the time. Yeah, impressive.
When I relayed my tale to my sister, she had a few suggestions for how my situation could be improved if ever I go through that again. She said that, during the pat-down, I should probably become incredibly ticklish and giggle and wiggle the whole time. Also, to fix the problem caused by wearing thick jeans, Casey said I should wear a thin, short skirt and no underwear. This will make it much easier to prove that I'm not hiding anything.
I don't know if I would actually do either of those things. I don't think it would help my case or get me away from airport security any faster. But one thing I do know - from now on, I'm sticking to the regular ol' metal detectors. They've never failed me in the past, even with thick pants.